Lucy’s story: Domestic abuse survivor shares her experience as new campaign launches

“I made peace with the fact that I was gonna sit in abuse until one of us died.”

Having the freedom to choose what we wear, how we spend our money and what we do with our time are all things we take for granted.

But for Lucy Buxton, those choices were taken away from her for 14 years – by the one person she should have been able to trust the most.

Her ex-partner controlled every aspect of her life, from her bank account to who she could see.

And as well as ruling everything she did, he also assaulted her – even driving a car at her on one occasion.

Now Lucy has bravely agreed to share her experience during our domestic abuse awareness campaign, which this year focuses on controlling and coercive behaviour.

In the first chapter of Lucy’s story, she talks about the ways Kevin controlled her throughout their relationship.

“It was always ok for me to have friends – for a little bit,” Lucy said. “This included family as well….. because he didn’t like it, there were certain people like my dad – he didn’t like my dad being around us because he saw him as a threat. Any friend or activity that I wanted to do was okay until it wasn’t okay and then I was expected to stop and that was earlier on. By the later years nothing was particularly okay. I used to still try and go out for my sister’s birthday or with my friends and very quickly on I learned that there was just no point. I’d be accused of everything. He would take my phone and I’d have to sit there as he read through every single message.

“As the time went on he had the biggest obsession with me having my hair cut. Over the 14-year period if I had my hair cut three or four times I think that was quite lucky.

“I couldn’t wear certain clothes, if I bought anything that was maybe a little bit more revealing, it was like ‘well where are you wearing that to?’ He would tell me I looked ridiculous quite often. Anything I did was an issue.”

Thankfully, Lucy’s ex Kevin Jones is now behind bars, serving a prison sentence of three and a half years for the abuse he put her through.

Since he was sentenced in October, Lucy has been concentrating on creating a much happier future for herself and her three children, taking back the control and rebuilding her life.

It’s not an easy process, as anyone who has ever lived with domestic abuse will understand.

But Lucy is determined to look forward – and she’s also passionate about helping other people in the same position.

This kind of behaviour is seen so often in reports of domestic abuse received by the force, so our Who Is In Control? campaign aims to highlight the things to look out for as well as signposting how victims – and perpetrators – can get help.

It can be difficult to spot controlling and coercive behaviour, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, and in many cases of abuse, the perpetrator deliberately tries to isolate their partner from their loved ones so family and friends aren’t always aware of what’s really happening behind closed doors.

Since 2015, controlling and coercive behaviour has been a crime in its own right with many people still not necessarily aware that even if your partner isn’t physically assaulting you, you may still be a victim of domestic abuse.

However, as Lucy discovered, it is possible to break free from the abuse and help is available.

“I am still not 100% healed but I am doing well and there is a way out of it, you can get out of this,” she said. “There is so much help and support out there and you will be ok again.”

We will be sharing more of Lucy’s story throughout the campaign. If you want more information about controlling and coercive behaviour, see www.whoisincontrol.org.