I'm worried about a friend
Controlling behaviour can be hard to spot.
Maybe something doesn’t feel right about your friend’s relationship, but you’re not sure what.
If you’re worried they’re being controlled, ask yourself:
Are they...
- Not seeing friends and family any more?
- Not doing things they used to enjoy?
- Not answering texts and calls?
- Acting pre-occupied, nervous or restless?
- Missing work unexpectedly, arriving late, or frequently calling in sick?
- Receiving lots of contact from their partner at work and unable to focus on their job?
- Arranging their schedule according to their partner’s wishes?
- Asking their partner’s permission to spend their own money?
If you notice any of these, it’s time to get curious about what might be going on. These are signs of controlling behaviour – which is domestic abuse, and a crime.
What can I do?
It can be hard to start a conversation about abuse. Here are some tips:
- State the facts or what you’ve seen. For example: ‘I saw your partner snatch your phone out of your hands...’
- Show your concern- ‘I’m worried about you’
- Support them - ‘You don't deserve this...’
- Signpost them - ‘You can contact the Domestic Abuse Helpline....’
If your friend starts talking to you, know that it is likely a huge leap forward for them. They may still love their partner and only just be coming to terms with the fact that what they’re experiencing is more than just the usual ups and downs of any relationship.
The best thing you can do is just listen. Remember, always keep your conversations between you and them, direct them to support and be patient with them.
Often, people experiencing coercive control feel isolated and, as part of the control, are told that noone really cares about what is happening to them, or that noone will believe them.
By asking them about their experience and listening without judgement, you are showing the most important thing – that you will be there for them, that someone does care and someone does believe them.
We don’t advise you to challenge their partner. If they think you’re on to them, they may stop your friend from seeing you – and remove the support you can give.
Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (Clare’s Law)
You can confidentially apply for information under the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme – also known as Clare’s Law.
You can request information about the current or ex-partner of a friend if you’re worried about them. The scheme enables the police to release information about any previous history of violence or abuse.
Unless you are the person at risk, any important information found won’t come through to you. However, the person at risk will be contacted and made aware if there is any information found so that they can ask for help or take steps to stay safe.
Crimestoppers
If you don’t feel that you can tell the police about what is happening, Crimestoppers is a way for you to report abuse anonymously – so you don’t have to give your name or details.
Crimestoppers will pass your information to the police, who can check the person you’re worried about is ok – away from their partner.
Call 0800 555 111 or you can make a report online by visiting crimestoppers-uk.org.
Report to the police
If you think that someone is experiencing domestic abuse, you can report it to the police. You don’t have to call – you can also report online.
Find out more about reporting domestic abuse.
